Blood at Bear Run

[Anna]

I had to write this for school. It could've turned out better, but I kind of liked it. Warning: Mild description of wounds.

Blood at Bear Run

Katie Carlisle wiped sweat from her brow, the tight, hot air pressing in around her. “Easy, Scarlet,” she said, patting her horse’s neck. “How ‘bout we turn around and head back?” But before she could turn Scarlet around, she heard a sharp, familiar scream in the distance. “Wille?” she muttered. She yanked Scarlet’s reins around and kicked her heels into her sides, her heart pounding in her throat.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Emma heard a scream from the west. “Stupid Will,” she muttered, dropping her shovel and peering into the distance. The scream had come from far away, in the direction of the area of the enormous ranch where black bears roamed. Emma’s stomach lurched. She slammed the stall door shut and took off toward the house. “Dad!” she screamed. “Dad, William’s at Bear Run!”

Katie pressed her heels into Scarlet’s sides, leaning forward for as much speed as she could get. “Come on, Scarlet,” she muttered. “Come on, girl!” Suddenly, Scarlet stopped and reared up, sending Katie bumping onto the soft ground. She tumbled into a heap of pine needles, clutching her arm, which had immediately started to bruise. Something was stuck to a clump of pine needles, right where Scarlet had stopped. Katie rubbed it between her fingers. It was dark red, thick and sticky as syrup. Blood, Katie thought, heart pounding. She slipped her foot into the stirrup and swung back onto Scarlet, kicking her as hard as she could. Scarlet raced across the ground, sending billows of dust behind them.

Emma’s pounding footsteps shook the staircase. “Dad!’ she screamed. “Dad!”
Her father’s look of annoyance changed to worry when he saw the terror on her face. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
“I think Willie’s ridden to Bear Run!” Emma gasped.
Her father’s face turned white. “Go saddle Bright and Tara. Do it as fast as you can.”
“Tara?” Emma gasped. The thoroughbred was the fastest horse on the ranch, and also the wildest. Emma had never dared to go near her. Bright was her father’s horse, and she knew she’d be expected to ride Tara.
“Emma!” her dad yelled. “Do it now!”
She raced out to the stables, trembling with fear.
Her dad appeared just as she was wrestling the saddle onto Bright. “I’ve got some food and water, and a jacket for each of us,” he said shortly. “Get on.”
Emma climbed nervously onto Tara, who stared at her with empty black eyes but did not protest.
“Let’s go,” her dad said, galloping off toward the run.

Katie slowed as she approached Bear Run, listening for cries or movement. “William?” she called apprehensively. “William!” There was no reply, but there was a faint rustling in the leaves a few hundred yards away. Katie steered Scarlet toward it, heart pounding. Finally she caught a glimpse of her little brother’s bright red hair. Katie leaped off Scarlet. “Willie!” she cried. “I’m so glad you’re--” She stopped. Several long scratches had been clawed down William’s left leg. Flesh had been ripped out, and blood was pooled around where he lay. Katie felt dizzy. She swallowed convulsively, and then threw up on her boots.
When she had regained herself, Katie took several deep breaths and closed her eyes for a moment. Then she slowly started moving. She poured some water from her steel bottle over William’s wound and, after hesitating for a moment, tore off her T-shirt and tied it around his leg to create a makeshift bandage. She would rather have used William’s shirt, but she was scared to move him. He was so still, and his face was gray. Then suddenly she realized that he might not be breathing. He might have already bled to death. Katie pressed her ear to his chest, listening intently for a heartbeat. She couldn’t hear one, but she could feel his shallow breath on her cheek, so it must have been there. He was alive, she’d start with that. She lay down next to him and waited for the sun to go down.

Emma adjusted slowly to riding on Tara as she and her father sped along the butte.
“Katie was out riding, and probably closer to the run than us,” Mr. Carlisle reasoned. “She heard that scream, and I’ll bet you that she’s already found William. Wherever he is, she’ll probably be there.”
Emma gripped Tara’s reins so hard her knuckles turned white. “Meaning that…?”
Her father’s face softened. “Meaning that if Will wasn’t killed, he’ll most likely be alive when we find him.”
“Oh,” Emma said quietly. Please be all right, William, she thought. Please, please don’t be dead.

Katie was shivering. Huddled on the ground with only her jeans and undershirt on, she had first crawled under a bed of leaves, but had realized quickly that some had been poison ivy. She’d tried hiding in a large hole in the ground, but had gotten dry, crusty dirt down her underclothes. So now she lay in a forlorn heap, her knees drawn up to her chest. Her eyes flickered for a long while, and then, finally, she fell into a restless sleep.
When Katie woke up, the sun was rising over the horizon. Katie squinted into the distance. How long had she slept? She yawned, rubbed her eyes, and shuffled over to William. His leg had swollen slightly during the night, but it had stopped bleeding and a scab was forming. Katie rinsed off her T-shirt and retied it around his leg. She ran her hand over his forehead. It was warm. Too warm? She couldn’t tell. A fever meant an infection. She didn’t want that.

Emma and Mr. Carlisle rode into the night, and through the next morning.
“Dad?” Emma said carefully. “Do you think that William will be OK when we find him?”
“I think he’ll be alive, if that’s what you mean,” her father replied. “Look, sweetie, we’re near the run. Keep and eye out for red hair.”

William had a fever. His face was flushed and hot, and he thrashed as though he was dreaming in unconsciousness. Katie splashed water from her bottle onto his face. “William, please don’t die,” she whispered. “That really wouldn’t be very gracious of you.” She didn’t even realize that she was speaking out loud until William’s eyelashes fluttered.
“Whatever it is, I didn’t do it, unless you like it,”* he muttered.
“William!” Katie shrieked. “Will, you’re okay!” She was so relieved that she kissed him on both cheeks.
“Yech, get off,” Will muttered, wiping his face. He tried to sit up, and blanched. “Darn it, that hurts.”
“You got scratched by a bear, right?” Katie said carefully, watching his face to gauge for a reaction.
“That would be correct,” he muttered. He squinted into the distance. “What’s that?”
“What? It’s not another bear, is it?” Katie said frantically, wrapping her arms around Will.
“Get off me…no, that’s not a bear. That’s Emma! And Dad!”

**********Two months later**********

“Emma! Go Emma! Come on, Em!” Katie screamed, but Emma was completely focused. She and Tara were heading for the big jump. Katie squeezed her eyes shut as they cleared it, and Tara made a smooth landing on the dusty dry ground.
“Good work, Emma,” Katie said happily, fingering her older sister’s second-place medal. “You earned this.”
Emma grinned, flushed with embarrassment but obviously pleased. “Nah, Tara did. She does all the work.”
“Well, she helped save my life, so I think she deserves a medal of her own!” piped up William. “And once I get out these stitches, I can get back on Ghost. It’s a good thing she had the sense to run back to the ranch after I fell off. We might have lost her.” He grinned. “Maybe someday I can win a medal at a rodeo.” He looked up anxiously at his older sister. “Katie, do you think I’ll win a medal?”
Katie squeezed his shoulder. “You’ll win a medal, Will,” she promised. “You’ll move mountains.”

[Nariel]

This is really good!

[Anna]

Thanks.

[Peregrine]

For this story it took me a while to figure out the era in which this story takes place. At first I thought it took place in the old west era, until certain context clues such as the character’s use of modern items such as a jacket and their use of modern-sounding dialogue. These things helped me to discover that the story is set in the present.

I read this story a total of three times and I came up with some questions which the story does not answer. For instance, in the scene where Katie first finds Willie, I wondered why the bear scratched Willie in the first place. Did he have food that the bear wanted, was he messing with the bear’s cub, was he harassing the bear? And what caused the bear to stop scratching him? And what caused Willie to be unconscious; wouldn’t he just be in extreme pain instead of being knocked out? Then what happened to Scarlet during the night? Did she just stand there patiently, or did she spook at something and get lost in the mountains somewhere?

In the scene where Emma and Dad are riding to the rescue, Dad says “Meaning that if Will wasn’t killed, he’ll most likely be alive when we find him.” I’m kind of lost on what he’s saying there. If he wasn’t killed, then yes, Will will ((Will will, lol, sorry I easily amuse myself)) would still be alive, that line is kind of redundant and makes no sense. When Katie accidentally crawls into the poison ivy, wouldn’t she have a reaction to it? And through the day and night which they were they, wouldn’t the bear come back to get them? (Depending on the reason it attacked in the first place.))

How long did it take Emma and Dad to get their? Didn’t Emma, Dad, and Katie notice when Will had been gone for twelve hours before he was attacked? Did Emma and Dad rest the horses? Isn’t the Thoroughbred freaking out? And what is Scarlet doing now?

I really like Willie’s reaction when Katie kisses him. It is funny, realistic, and in character. Perfect. But when he wakes up wouldn’t he be in more pain, especially if he’s on the younger side (I’m assuming 11 or 12), and wouldn’t there be flies or some other type of bug flying around the wound? I am also confused about the last line in the story, when Katie tells Willie that “You’ll move to the mountains.” I don’t understand what significance this has to the story.

Throughout the story, would the family have had some sort of communication such as cell phones or walkie talkies? You could still have the reception on the cell phones fail or the juice in the batteries in the walkie talkies go out, but it seems highly unlikely that Dad would let his kids out by themselves for more then twelve hours on horseback without some sort of communication back to home so that he could know where they were.

The last thing that bothered me was the way the characters handled their horses while they rode them. For example, when Katie “yanked Scarlet’s head around and kicked her heels into her sides” that’s a very brutal way to handle a horse, even when one is panicked.

I liked the way the story moved along at the pace it did. I also liked how all the characters, horses included, were named with appropriate and realistic names for this story. None of the characters were Mary-Sues/Gary-Sues (a Mary/Gary-Sue is a sickenly perfect character frequently found in fanfiction) but none of the character were pathetic either, however, as stated above, Dad’s character does need some work. Willie’s character was right on, am I correct in assuming that he’s 11 or 12? And I like the fact that the character’s journey was not easy to find Willie—though it does go on for a long time.
Overall, you did a pretty good job with this. It’s a nice story for someone to read who likes reading entertaining stories with happy endings and low gore. I found myself anticipating the ending of the story as I would a real book. Very nice and I’m looking forward to more. Please PM me with any further questions.

—Peregrine.

[Yuliya]

She didn't say, "You'll move to the mountains," she said, "You'll move mountains," which is a phrase that means "you'll do great things."

I'll let you know that this was a school assignment that we had two days to do, or around that amount of time.

[Peregrine]

Ok, sorry misreading and my printer's misprinting on my part, sorry. never mind that.

Yeah, I understand about it being a school assignment, but I'm just trying to give some constructive critism and be a good member. ;D

[Anna]

I know. I appreciate the criticism. (This was a school assignment, and I had a prompt--I usually do fairly badly with prompts.)

[Anna]

You're right--this story was confusing on a lot of fronts. But it got me an awesome grade, and for this kind of school paper, that's pretty much all that matters.
And on Katie's treatment of her horse--I agree. That is a brutal way to treat any animal. Ask Yuliya, and she can assure you that I am most definitely a horse lover. It does emphasize on the panic in that passage, however. And plots would never get anywhere if characters only did things that the author approved of. I used those passages mostly to put a point on the tense feel and panic of the stories, but rest assured that I would never think about treating any animals that way. Again, ask Yuliya.
As to the passage that you thought was redundant, what I meant to convey was that the dad had confidence that if Katie had found Will, she would make sure that no further harm would come to him.
And Willie wasn't out for twelve hours. Emma and her father only had to ride for that long because it turned dark, and they had to ride around in circles trying to pinpoint where Willie was.
You have good questions about all of the details. Thanks for pointing all of that out. Character motivation is one of my weak points, and I hate it when I don't get any real criticism.

[RVM45]

.....Anna, I liked your story. Are you from the West, are are you interpolating?

.....Many Easterners don't realise the large part firearms; particularly handguns, still play when one is outdoors. Lot of Holywood producers think that cowboys packing sixguns on horseback; means "old West". Ain't necessarily so.

.....If you want some good descriptions of how life as a cowboy; or Muleskinner was like- I can hardly recommend a better source than Elmer Keith. Read "Sixguns" and "Hell, I Was There!" and you'll have a different perspective on the West and Westerners.

.....Course in the modern world; writing for a school assignment- even if the father was based on a true-life person; who was notorious for riding around in the wilderness, with more revolvers than the outlaw Josie Wales- I think I'd just have discretely left that part out.

.....RVM45

[Anna]

I live in the West. But most definitely not on a ranch. (But I can dream, right?!)